Vitals

I just read over last year's post and thought I should update the vitals on the boyz!

LBM: 20 lbs
LM: a little over 19lbs (he's lost some weight since November due to illness... poor guy was bigger than his brother until mid-November and now he's losing...)

(about.. remember the incident at the doctor's? Well, I didn't have a chance to look at the numbers exactly...)

They have QUADRUPLED their weights since last year!!!!! In ONE year!  Woot!  I'm pretty proud, I must say.  Breast milk is numero uno!

Mama: still good, am aiming for low 130s before I go back to work.  Exercise is needed desperately.
Papa: looking good also.

New Years Eve Eve - Weaning....

It's very late.  I should be sleeping.

Just wanted to update on the breastfeeding front.  We (well, more I) decided to continue the morning and night nursing and stop the day-time feeds.  It'll make it easier for when I go back to work and also make it easier to get out more, without having to worry about nursing the boyz one at a time when we're out.

We are/were down to 4 feeds a day. And starting yesterday, I cut the boyz off from the two middle feeds.  They are miserable and confused and frustrated and cranky and parched and dehydrated.  They won't drink the milk and I already have such a hard time getting LM to drink out of the sippy cup, I'm getting worried about their liquids. 

I'm also so focused on making sure they are okay and comfortable and comforted that I am not really thinking about how sad I feel.

It's really hard to let it go.  I love the closeness I feel with them.  I love the connection the three of us have when we're together.  I love that I can comfort them from everything with my breast.  It's so beautiful. 

I'm so afraid that I won't have that close feeling anymore, I don't want to lose it.  Deep down, I know I'm being unrealistic, but I can't help it.  I feel like it's my last ultimate bond with them and that I'm cutting it off. 

Wow, this letting go thing is so hard.

Thank goodness I can put on a happy face.  I have this thing to broadcast all of my confessions to which makes it easy to never have to voice them directly to anyone.  It's out there.  That's it.

The Next 12 Hours - A Christmas Update

So...

We came home, prepared ourselves for a solitary Christmas Eve and bought all kinds of fun supplies.  We were going to make it a fun day, dammit!

The 21st.  Wednesday night.  8:30pm.  It has been 10 hours since the news about no Christmas for us.  Phone call from sister. 

Niece DOES NOT HAVE THE CHICKEN POX.

What the what??!?!?!?!?

Is that a confirmation or is that another batch of twelve-different-professionally-trained-for-10+ years-doctors' advice?

Apparently not. 

Yessssss!!!

Christmas is back on, sista!!!!

Yesterday, the FIRST 12 hours

Off to the doctor for the 12 month vaccinations.  THREE shots!  Two in the right arm, one in the left. 

After meeting my niece and sister and brother in law for dinner on Saturday, we found out that said niece had some localized spots on her back and belly.  Then, on Monday, she was sent home from daycare on suspicion of chicken pox.  A 3 day break from daycare, as they gently put it.  The spots, which appeared on Sunday, meant that the most contagious period (Saturday and Friday) also was the day we had a famjam at the restaurant on Saturday night.  When she kissed and hugged and played with our boyz.  Nice.

So this is Tuesday's news.  Thankfully, Wednesday we had our appointment with the doctor.  At this point, we know in our heart of hearts that there might not be a Christmas for us with our niece.  And my sister's poor little family would be quarantined for the best holiday of the year... oh no.

They went to the doctor at least twice between Monday and Wednesday.  All medically trained professionals (all schooled for 10+ years) said: "It's chicken pox." or "I'm not sure what it is." or "Just to be safe, she should be quarantined for 7 days."  WTF?

There was no consensus.

So, we went to the doctor and with the information we had, asked if WE would be allowed to participate in husband's family Christmas.  Where there were two babes.  Like one that is 7 months and another that is 11 months.  Plus a pregnant sister-in-law.  Yeah.  Right.  As if.  The doctor said no way. 

Boyz got their shots.

Mama and papa were in shock/denial...

No Christmas for the boyz. 

Or for mama and papa. 

The one holiday we were so looking forward to. 

You see, last Christmas day, we brought the boyz home from the hospital.  I was suffering (as I look back) from some heavy post partum.  Like, the kind where you-hate-everyone-and-don't-want-to-see-or-talk-to-anybody-and-you-just-want-to-be-under-the-covers-hiding-only-you-have-to-pump-every-three-hours-and-go-to-the-hospital-to-"visit" (so crazy)-your-children-messed-up-ness.  Needless to say, we didn't celebrate Christmas Eve with anyone (I so didn't even want to) and on Christmas day, I was so happy, I wanted to treasure every single moment with my husband and children at home... Finally.

Anyway, this was going to be the first Christmas we could share the boyz with our families.  And we were so pumped for that!  I was so excited.  Our nephew is only a month younger than the boyz and we wanted to see that interaction.  Plus, I missed them and wanted to see the fam!

And now it wasn't going to happen.

Husband and I were silent in the car on the way home. 

What's there to say?

WALKING!!!

LBM is continuously taking up to 10 little steppers from me to husband and back again. LM is taking 2 solid steps.  This is so exciting and fun to watch their faces.  It's pure excitement and joy and happiness on their faces.  I love it!

Ahhhhhhh!!!!

The Saga Continues...

So, after the mishap last Friday with LM and the examining table incident, LBM got sick on Monday.  Then LM got sick, of course.  LM's forehead lump was still swollen and bruised and LBM had no problems smashing trucks and other toy objects onto LM's bump while LM continued to bump his own head off of tables, toys, etc.  Thus, the swelling never really went down but it wasn't enough to create an alarm for me (or husband or hal-muh-nee).

On Friday morning, LM woke up with two swollen eyes (kinda like Rocky would look after 10 rounds in the ring) with red splotches all over his face and a rash over his body.  As the day wore on, they became more like hives.  I called Telehealth first thing in the morning, even though my mother and husband said that he would be fine.  I needed my own peace of mind.

The nurse suggested that I take him to the doctor.  Ha.  I knew it!  So we made an appointment for the afternoon.  Anyhow, as the day wore on, the splotches seemed to dissipate as did the swelling in the eyes.  I took him to the doctor anyway.  At the office, we determined that it might not be anything - in fact, it might just be part of the virus that was causing the hives but still we weren't sure.  I did feed him peanut butter and cheese for the first time the day before.  Now call me irresponsible, but I really wasn't concerned about him having allergies - there is no family history of allergies and they are over a year old (chronologically) now.  The cheese, I think  though, might be the culprit, IF there is any sort of sensitivity.  A month ago, I gave him yoghurt and he erupted in little spots around his mouth, so that could possibly indicate a dairy sensitivity.

The doc recommended a referral and appointment to see the allergist.  Oh great.  Now, I get to take my son to the allergist who will proceed to poke him with 100 needles.  I am VERY upset about this.  But really, I feel like I have to put on a strong face because I refuse to believe he has allergies to foods.  I don't want that to happen.  Prayer is needed.  Please.

Along with all of this, I had noticed that at the top of LM's head was a large lump.  It had been markedly larger than anything I remember seeing on his head.  But I didn't say anything to anyone because I didn't think it was anything serious.  So, we woke up Saturday to a fun day with Nonno and shopping.  When we came home, I kept touching his head to see if it hurt and he didn't seem sensitive to it.  But then halmuhnee came home.  And she pressed on the bump.  It was extremely soft - like really really soft.  I was shocked.  Why hadn't I thought of pressing on it?  I didn't want to hurt him and I think a part of me didn't really want to know...

So we ended up at the walk in clinic.

It's definitely a contusion but the doctor didn't seem concerned and said that if I really wanted to, I could take him for an x-ray but that he didn't think it was serious.  LM is fully alert, very happy and has no symptoms of concussion.  There really is nothing for me to worry about, I know.  The last thing I want is to expose my son to radiation for no real reason.  What is the point of that when there is really no indication of anything being wrong?

Regardless, this is what the week's been like.  Oh, and LM has basically slept in our bed since November 28th.  And he's getting 4 teeth.

Cute story:  While LM and I were gone to the doctor on Friday, husband stayed home alone with LBM.  Apparently LBM was completely lost without his brother!  He was very clingy and refused to play.  He hardly made any sounds or noises and just held on to dad for dear life. When we arrived home, all of a sudden, he was making lots of noises and when we went into the playroom, he began to play and talk and bully his brother!  They weren't actually playing together perse, but they were playing alongside one another.  I guess subconsciously LBM knew that something was missing and strange and he didn't like it!  Cool, huh?  I love twins!

We Have Two Little Steppers!

LM did his little steppers too today!  Although he only started crawling a month ago, I think he is going to be walking alongside is brother at nearly the same time!  He spent 3+ months just watching LBM crawl and could have cared less the whole time, and now he thinks this standing and stepping thing is hysterical!

I love watching this progress.  It's so fun.  Very exciting!!!

1 step, 2 step...

Last night, LBM took 3 teeny weeny leaning steps from me to my mom.  He was smiling the whole time!  Whatta guy!  I'm happy that he's getting used to the feeling of lifting his feet up off of the ground and knowing that he can keep going with his other foot once he takes a step.  It's so cute.  But he only does it when he feels like it!

LM, on the other hand, loves to lean right into me and thinks it's all a big game!  He's racing around the room, holding on to anything to get him around and his crawling is getting SO fast!

They both have colds right now, which is a bit discouraging, only because they just got over being massively sick a month ago.  Man, it doesn't end, huh?

Cleanign snot is going to rule my life again for the next couple of days!

12 month shots - TRAUMA.

So, having two birthday parties within one week (Sunday and Saturday) was fun, busy, exciting, and exhausting.  A little bit stressful but it was fantastic too.  I think we did a great job of making the festivities light and fun and it was great for my friends and family to see part of the tradition that is "dol". 

For the main doljabi event, at the first party, LBM went straight for the golf ball (athlete!) and LM went for the money! It was very fun and the boyz were great!  When we sang happy birthday and gave them the cake, LM dove straight in for the cake and destroyed it!  It was hysterical!  LBM wouldn't even TOUCH his cake - he was disgusted by it... that is, until LM's antics resulted in a piece of chocolate cake being tossed onto LBM's hanbok.  He proceeded to pick up the piece and put it in his mouth... and then inch his way over to LM... "I want cake!!!"  Too funny.

At the second, LBM went for the golf ball AGAIN!  So excited about that!  LM went straight for the pencil!  He'll be a wealthy scholar, I just know it!  Again, really cute and very entertaining.  I will try to post pics of them in their garb.

So, they celebrated their official birthday 3 days ago.  I honestly felt like it should have been my birthday.  I felt like man, I was the one who pushed these two out of me, whose body pushed two beings out, who was so connected to them for 34w6d.... ah well, it's their birthday I guess.  But a celebratory day for me.  It was my first day as a mother.

Today however, was not my proudest day as a mom...

I don't even want to write about it because I don't want to re-enact the scene in my mind/head/body again.  It was awful. 

Basically, LM fell off the examining table and hit his head (forehead) and nose on the ground.  He has a big lump on the right side of his forehead but the bruising kind of spreads across and he had a bleeding nose.  Under his nose there seems to be a bruise forming. 

He is fine right now, but he will be sleeping with us tonight and tomorrow and I will be waking him up twice in the middle of the night to make sure he's okay.  Any sign of distress and we go straight to emerg.

He was immediately picked up and transitioned very quickly from crying to smiling and laughing with me and the doctor.  It was hard for me to smile but a relief to see him react that way. 

But still.  I have never felt so awful.  My mom and I couldn't even talk about it and I kept having flashbacks to the scene in my head, which would immediately make me want to cry and puke at the same time.  Writing this is making me feel all sweaty and terrible again.  Maybe someday I'll be able to talk about it a little more but right now, no way.

I didn't cry.  I wanted to but I was frozen and I couldn't move.  I was sweating like crazy and then later, when I knew he was okay, I was shaking all over. I can't write anymore, my eyes are getting teary.

What an awful way to end a post...

Dol Janchi

In a matter of weeks, the boyz will be turning ONE!

Because it's the holiday season, we have had to book their party about 10 days in advance.  Oh well!  AND we are having TWO parties for them!  One for the family and the other for friends.  One at a restaurant, the other at home.

I have ordered the boyz Korean traditional outfits (hanbok) and they are gorgeous.  At least I think they are!  LBM tried it on and I must say, I was pretty proud...  he looked so... official!

I am in the process of figuring out how I will decorate (I've actually figured that out - I have printed out pictures depicting each month of their lives in the past year.  One string for LM, another for LBM, and still another with pics of the both of them.  I found the idea somewhere online, I think on Pinterest.  I think it's a brilliant thing... I should take a picture of it, it's so amazing.  I was able to play with husband's new computer and play with some of the pictures I've printed, which I'll post - it was fun!

So, at the first party, we will be having at a Korean restaurant, buffet style.  The boyz will wear their hanboks and they will do a 'dol-jabi,' which will be to predict their futures.  There will be an array of items on a mat or tray and the boyz will be let loose, given the freedom to choose their destinies!  Each object/item has a meaning attached to it; for example, thread means long life, pencil means scholar, money means wealth, etc, etc.  I haven't collected the objects yet, but I will have to have doubles of each!

I plan to do the same thing for our friends on the following Saturday when we have our second party.  This will be a nice way to introduce some of our culture to our friends.  I also plan on having dduk for our guests, which is a Korean rice cake, that is eaten as a dessert.  It's also one of my favourite foods.  On the menu for lunch?  Oh, just Portuguese food.... hahahaha!!!  I've heard that Portuguese pulled pork sandwiches are to die for!

The main thing stressing me out though, is the loot bags.  What the hell do I buy for loot bags?  I don't even want to do them but I know I have to... the kids range in age from 8 months to like, 10 years old!  AHHHHHH!!!

I also started running again -- finally! And I have been enjoying it.  I committed to running in a 3man relay (10k each) in March.  I was able to run 5k last Sunday but have not had a chance to run at all this week yet.  And I'm not sure if I'll be able to run on Sunday -- we just have too many things to get done before the birthday parties.  We're really crazy overwhelmed.  Anyway, I think after not running for over 18 months and getting back into it is a slow process but I'm excited and motivated (somewhat!).

I feel like maybe I should join a running club so that I can get my a$$ out the door, especially when it's freezing out -- it's just gonna get colder!!!

Boyz in their usual spots at the window.  Yes, they are wearing the same outfit.  They are fraternal and I feel like I was cheated! They were supposed to be identical and I was adamant that I would never dress them alike... but since they're not... well, I can do whatever I want.  I'm mama!

Hallowe'en!

From our photo shoot a month after they were born, and a week after leaving the hospital.

Me and one of the babies.

Hmph... the WHOLE family is sick... Hmph!

Looks like we're all sick.

I can't breathe out of my nose and I'm exhausted.  But it was one of those days where you go go go because you have no no no choice. 

Boyz seem better, on the mend, yessss!!!  AND... LM crawled yesterday!!!  He can crawl!  He can crawl!  I was so excited!  Now I have two crawlers.  One who's just starting and another who's practicing letting go of the couch as he cruises.  I love it. 

When LBM lets go of the couch he's so desperately clinging to, he throws his hands in the air as if to balance himself and then stands there, kind of contemplative-ly.  Then slowly lowers himself, squatting down to his bum.  It. Is. Adorable.  He is.  That's no exaggeration.

I'm going to post their Hallowe'en picture because I think it's so damn cute.  And because I want to smile before I pass out in bed.

Tomorrow they turn 11 months old!! (9 months and 4 weeks adjusted) 

Sick - not me.

Two sick boyz at the same time.  Hmmm....

As I posted on FB yesterday, BOO!!!  Someone commented that at least they're both sick at the same time instead of one right after the other.  At first I thought, yeah, that's true... and then I thought, yeah, but this sucksssss!!!

LM staring at me with glazed eyes, runny, drippy nose and a cough as I hold LBM in my arms because he too, has glazed eyes, extremely runny nose and a sneezy cough is horrible.  LM looks so forlorn and it's so hard for him to entertain himself when he's this uncomfortable.  The moment I put down LBM to hold LM, crying begins.  Oh, that feeling of being torn.  Wow.

I still have not written a post to recap the past couple of months.  I will.  So much has happened and is still happening. 

Oh, I went for my first run in 18 months on Sunday and followed it up with another run on Tuesday.  Not bad!

I'm BAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK!

If only for a moment before I put the boyz to sleep.

I will try to recap the last 2 months in my next post.

All I can say is that we're doing great, the boyz are beautiful and growing and that in 6 weeks... they will be ONE!!!

I cannot believe how quickly time has passed.

My heart is full!

Busted, Beat-down, Bam!

First true sickness was Wednesday.  Like, I mean, where I was down for the count, only getting up to nurse.  If I could've, I would have stayed in bed all day and just lay there.  I had the chills, the sweats, dizzy spells, and my legs had absolutely no strength in them.  My head just ached.

And I couldn't enjoy the boyz.  So husband did.  By some sort of miracle, we had planned for him to take the day off on Wednesday so we could spend time together as a family but I ruined it all by getting ill.  It was obviously a blessing in disguise because without him, I am not too sure what our fam/jam would have done.

I was out of it!  Completely out.

Two days later and I'm feeling alive again.  No headache but still hurts to swallow and legs are still a bit weak, with hints of dizziness now and again. 

Husband and mother think it's cuz I'm not eating right but I happen to think I'm all right.  Mother also believes I've lost too much weight but in all honesty, I haven't.  I have a BMI of 23.99, which is in the high range of normal (highest being 24.9!) and I was tres overweight when I got pregnant.  Truthfully, I am down about 25lbs from pre-pregnancy weight, which is good because THAT'S how overweight I was.  This should be normal for me, and on the higher end of normal.  Very nervous as to what's going to happen when I stop nursing and start exercising.  I'm scared that all the weight is going to climb back on. 

But I digress.

An update about the boyz:

1.  Sleep is a funny thing.  LBM doesn't enjoy alone time at night.  It's been a challenge.  LM does not like to fall asleep but is okay for the rest of the night.

2.  Solids are good for LM but not-so-much for LBM.  He likes to throw his head back in defiance -- if I don't understand the first time he whiplashes himself, he makes sure I do by repeatedly whiplashing himself until I focus on his brother.  Nice.

3.  Naps are ridonculous! They're so different between the two boys.  LM loves to nap, LBM could care less.  Hal-muh-nee and Dad can rock LBM to sleep like no other. They are great.  Me however, I'm useless.  Utterly.  He won't settle with me.  I don't get it.  Could it be the breast shells that I am still using?  It's kinda hard to snuggle and cuddle against your mother's breast when they're as hard as nails... wha?????

4.  I'm obsessed with sleep.

The end.

Sleep Troubles

Well...

It has been an interesting regression of sorts.

After all of the teething crises and sleep interruptions, LM seemed to go back to his normal napping routine (albeit, it's transitioning to 2 longer naps now), LBM has completely regressed.  Unless he's being held or rocked in a car, there is no sleeping happening for the poor boy during the day.  Night time is especially challenging for both boys.  I absolutely am at a loss as to what to do. 

We need help.

I'm desperate.

Right now, LBM is so exhausted, he fell asleep on the floor in the living room.  I was lying beside him to make sure he knew I was there.  That's why I get to type.

He is crawling backwards like crazy so I'm afraid to leave him and I can't transfer him because he wakes up and the goes batshit crazy.  I can't take a shower.

He sleeps in our bed with husband and I have been relegated to the floor for now.  LM cries like crazy in his room, where he has been sleeping all day.  But when he is in a room with a little bit of light, he calms down and can slowly fall asleep. 

So much for putting them to bed by 7 and having the night free.  No more of that.

I called a sleep psychologist.  I can't take it anymore.

I can't even think of anywhere to go or to take them.  I just don't want to and I don't have the energy.  I feel like a horrible person and especially a horrible mother.  I want to go out, but when I think of all of the shit I have to do to get everything ready and prepared and done and carry and put in the car, I just think, forget it.  I'd much rather do it if I have someone with me.  Am I being a baby?  Am I spoiled?  Why can other multiple mothers seem to do it and I can't?  I feel like a shut-in.

First Foods Recap

Buttercup squash - is now a hit!  I also made butternut squash and put in some cinnamon and nutmeg and they still love it!  I think LBM loves squash more than pear!

Pear - took some getting used to but LM LOVES it!  He screams for more... I love when he does it!  LBM will eat it but he'll much prefer the squash.

I don't know what to try next - I might give try sweet potato - but I did try it and it wasn't too sweet so I hope they like it!

My other problem is that I don't know how much to give them.  Lately, I've just started feeding them and then when they turn away, I stop.  That's my best guess!

LM has teeth too!

On Sunday, I noticed a pair of teeth starting to cut through LM's gums.  Starting on Friday, his whole sleep schedule went out of whack and both LM and LBM went bonkers.  Nothing could console them, they started to go to sleep at 830 after being nursed instead of 630-7 as had been the case before.  They woke every 3 hours, probably crying because of pain but I didn't know and just nursed them.  I am suspecting that LBM's uppers are starting to come, which is why he's so fussy as well. 

Yesterday was difficult - LBM did not sleep all morning, which is very unusual and he was exhausted.  He fell asleep looking at me (that's how tired he was - he NEVER falls asleep if a person is there!) and slept for only half an hour, waking up with a scream.  He slept only after he nursed after that yesterday, poor baby.  Those sleeps were at most 30 mins.  Definitely not enough sleep for him yesterday.  It worries me -- I just read that sleep is the primary brain activity for infants - what the what?  That means my poor LBM isn't getting as much as LM -- NOOOOOo!!!!

They are about 3 weeks apart in terms of teeth showing up.  Which means that compared to everyone else, we are getting a double dose of teething crying and sleeplessness.

I definitely was much crankier these last few days than normal.  Plus, we're going through a lot of upheaval right now and it's creating more stress than necessary.

Nevertheless, LM and LBM are going through a rough patch right now and it's all I can do to keep my spirits up and keep up!  They're so cute though.

Oh!  And LBM is sitting up on his own now --- I have to set him up first and then he can stay up!  His body is strong.

Solids and poops

The boys have not been regular since I started them on solids...  and when they do poop, it's tres different from pure breast milk poops.  Ewwwwww...... Honestly, I gagged and dry heaved the first time I saw the stuff...

Can't wait for the next round!

They're growing so fast!

Sleep Training....

again....

It's Day 6.  We started July 15 and it was for me, out of desperation.

Although it hasn't been a walk in the park, the fact that there is a plan and it's getting better everyday, has me so happy and relieved.  No more holding for hours or playing until God-knows-when and then crying for hours.  Okay, that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but just the hours part, it would be almost an hour of crying and holding.  It was like torture.

Anyway, this is just an update on the sleep training.

Oh, and we're using the SleepEasy solution (www.sleepyplanet.com).  USE IT.

We still have a bit of a problem in that LBM is still sleeping with us in bed and we think he's now learned that he likes the bed way better than his crib.  This is turning into a concern for me... although we LOVE having him sleeping with us.

FIRST TOOTH!!!

LBM cut his first tooth this weekend!  It's so cute.  It's on the lower front and it's all jagged-y.  Poor guy woke up this morning in a full cry and I didn't know why.  I just tried to comfort him and then fell asleep with him beside me in my mom's bed. 

LM is drooling A LOT so I know his time is coming soon.  I hope he doesn't suffer as much as LBM has.  It's been ongoing for a while now. 

They both have been screaming and screeching a lot lately too.  They've discovered their voices and it is very entertaining to listen to!  I have also noticed that they are starting to notice one another more and more.  Staring at each other, talking a little bit and then getting distracted and looking away -- this is all so unbelievably amazing to watch and experience.  I love watching it happen all on it's own.

Reading...

I've decided to keep a record of the books I've read since the babies arrived. It takes a while to get through a book (Audition took FOREVER) but, honestly, this is the most I've read in a really long time.


1. The Secret Daughter by Shilpi Somaya Gowda too predictable
2. Audition by Barbara Walters soooo interesting
3. Ysabel by Guy Gavriel Kay a lot better than I expected, and very engaging for me
4. The Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connelly all right, easy read
5. Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell fascinating read - really liked it
6. The Sleepeasy Solution by Jennifer Waldburger and Jill Spivack borrowed from a friend.. Crying it out... their method
7. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins by Marc Weissbluth Jury's out on this one, it's all right... library borrowing is better
8. Sprout Right by Lianne Phillipson-Webb a very nice guide to making baby's first foods and you introduce veggies and fruit first. like that.
9. Fall of Giants by Ken Follett haven't finished it yet, borrowed from library and will borrow it from a friend to finish it. has hooked me so far!

First Food Success?

Today was my third attempt at feeding the boys some solid food.  I am starting with acorn squash, which is very sweet in taste.  I added a lot of water to make it a little more runny than I did the first two times, plus I let the boys chew on the spoon before I made them try the squash. 

LBM took to it soooooo quickly and ate it up!  I only gave him 3 tastes because I noticed he was salivating a lot and he was a lot more interested in chewing on the bib more than anything else.  But still, a resounding success, especially when the last two times he vomitted!!!

LM, on the other hand, gave that gross out face (which was so hilarious!) and completely rejected the 3rd spoon of squash.  He didn't want anymore and was very uninterested with it.

Even though I threw out the bulk of the ounce serving I made, I think it was a resounding success!  I was very proud of the boys... they definitely are growing up!

Next time I'll just take out a little bit of the food from the container so I'm not wasting it all.  After all, it's just a taste they need right now, until I can start thickening up the texture and the boys start swallowing a little better!  Very exciting!

Today

Today will be a great day.  I will play with my boys and smile and laugh and read and talk to them all day, without guessing or trying to guess whether they are tired and ready for a nap or not.  I will enjoy them instead of constantly wondering if they are getting enough sleep. 

I am sleep obsessed.  What is happening?!?!?!? 

Yesterday, after countless nights of screaming and crying, and rocking, we let them cry it out again.  I basically wanted to seriously maim someone, my heart was ripping apart.  My boys were sobbing.  LM was crying and it was that lilting, plaintive cry (not the scream) that was killing me.  He was so upset, wondering why no one was coming to soothe him.

LBM fell asleep after screaming but continued to have that post-cry breathing thing that made me feel like a horrible person.  He has to sleep in our bed because he keeps rolling and getting stuck on his tummy.  I don't know what to do about that...  I feel like it's safer in my bed.  He doesn't try to roll there.  I think because there isn't quite as much room.

I'm going to go for a little walk this morning, to break from the routine.  We'll see what happens!

Oh, and a MAJOR Development with Sleeping!

This is sooooo important, I can't believe I haven't written about it!

I have completely cut out caffeine. 

I was drinking about one coffee a day.  I had been drinking coffee throughout my pregnancy and while nursing and then recently, started up on my coke addiction again.  It went from one coke maybe twice a week to almost every single day. 

Then, LBM started teething and sleep became a major issue.  He couldn't sleep but was very obviously tired.  He wasn't napping and would go to sleep at night exhausted, on the breast, usually.  He wasn't getting a lot to eat and it started affecting his poops!  (They were green instead of the yellow-y mustard-y colour).  It was quite worrying and I was (obviously by my posts) going nuts.

Within two days of cutting out the caffeine, LBM returned to full naps and amazing night sleeps. 

Worry - gone.

Caffeine - gone.

Totally worth it.

Sooooo happy!

LBM's Milestone!

LBM rolled today!!!!

Soooo exciting!

This is what happened: 

Last night, after the 3:30am feeding, we put the boyz in bed.  I was trying to go back to sleep but kept hearing LBM tossing and turning and talking and he seemed completely alert and awake.  Finally, at about 4am, we heard him start to cry.  My husband found him in the crib on his tummy! 

This afternoon, after his late nap, I walked in the nursery to find him on his tummy again!  Too cute!  Then, when I had the boyz on their mats, LBM rolled again on his tummy.  The third time, he rolled on his tummy, hung out for a bit, and then rolled onto his back!  It was amazing!

I must admit, it brought tears to my eyes.  I was teary partly because I was so proud that he discovered how to roll by himself and partly because I feel like he's growing up.  Our lives are going to be so completely different now and that also passed through my mind.... How am I going to figure this out!!!

But oh my!  What an exciting day!!!

Friends...

My beloved friend E drove from Chatham yesterday, where she has been visiting her family for the past week.  She lives in New Brunswick and it pains me that I cannot see her and talk to her everyday.  She understands my heart and my mind and accepts me for everything I am.  Good and bad.  And I love her very much for it!  Fortunately we are very similar, which probably makes it extremely easy to understand one another.  It's amazing.  The same feelings we have about our children, about our attitudes toward parenting and family.  She has helped me think through my own issues and come to terms with how to handle things.  She is much like my sister in that way.  My sister provides me with that same type of support. 

I must be truly blessed to have these kinds of people surrounding me in my life!  And I haven't even mentioned my other girlfriend, N whose constant acts of kindness remind me that I have yet another sister in this world.

The boyz are beautiful.  Despite any frustration and weariness, they continue to steal my heart away.  LBM is now back on a nap schedule although he needs much help going down.  I don't mind though as long as LM continues to fall asleep for most of his naps by himself.  Today has been a great day for the sleeps. 

A New Attitude

It's time to get out of this funk!  It's not the boyz, it's a bunch of other 'life' things that are obviously bugging me a lot more than I realise. 

The boyz are great.  I'v got to start getting out a little more, especially since the weather is getting better.  I like sitting outside with them and just hanging out. 

I've decided that as a mother, I'm going to take their lead and not be bound to a 'schedule' perse, just go by what I know of them.  It doesn't have to go by an actual time.  I just have to know that in the morning, they like to have a nice long nap and they need another nap in the afternoon.  If the sleep again, I know it will likely be short and then their final feeding will likely be straight to bed or a little bit of coaxing and then bed.  I can handle that, this is okay.  This is what is called predictable in the world of motherhood.  It's not about the actual time of day.  It can't be.  How?  They don't know clocks!!!

I can't take it

anymore.  The incessant crying at nap time.

Make it stop.

Happy (First) Father's Day!

I'm a day late because yesterday was a tad busy... but a very happy father's day to my wonderful husband.  I love him very much.  I am extremely lucky to have a man like him in my life, no joke.  Very lucky.

To all of the fathers out there, I hope you had a very good day yesterday!

Fathers are an integral part of the family unit.  I grew up without a father and seeing my husband with our sons makes me realise everyday how fortunate they are to have such a doting man and great role model in their life.

S -- thank you and I love you!!!!!!

Last Swimming Lesson!

Awwww, the boys graduated with certificates today!  The last swimming lesson with their awesome instructor Paulina. 

We had a lot of fun today and of course it was the last day but everything just seemed to go very smoothly -- I wasn't as stressed getting them ready to go or getting them changed from the pool for home.  It was really nice.  The boys were calm and of course they love the water (just like mama!).  We sat out on the front lawn under the tree for awhile and enjoyed the beautiful day.

The boys are asleep now, as they have completely missed their mid-morning nap because of swimming but it was worth it.  The day is beautiful, everyone is calm and good and now I just have to go do the laundry!

I love my life.

Interesting Week

The week started a little funny, just because our schedule was off and the boys seemed to have forgotten about their regular nap times.  They had also forgotten that they had previously been able to go down for their morning naps with relative ease - I just had to place LM in the crib with his blanket and he would go to sleep himself, LBM needed a little more soothing but was still quite easy - and so I knew it would be an interesting time.

There has been lots of crying.  A lot of it.  Like, if I am out of their sightlines, there is screaming crying.  Strange.  Also, at nap time, lots of crying.  Unncessary crying.  And, play time, lots of crying.  Strange. Frustrating.  Enough for me to want to pull my hair out.

Anyway, a trip to the library on Monday had us out in the fresh air for about an hour.  That was lovely, especially since it wasn't too hot outside, a little overcast, and perfect!  The boys stayed awake all the way to the library and fell alseep when we almost got home.  I kept them in the stroller for awhile until they woke up.  The schedule was all messed up.

The rest of the week was very similar.  Short naps all day, not sticking to any type of schedule and tons of crying. 

Yesterday, I went to the library again only this time, the weather was unbearably hot (or at least the sun was!) and LBM had a little bit of a freak out inside the library.  So much so, I had to leave!  Then he proceeded to scream almost all the way home, until he finally dozed off.

I also tried to feed them the buttercup squash I made a few weeks ago.  Absolutely hilarious - LBM gagged and projectile vomitted.  LM had a more delayed reaction and spit up a whole load of stuff into his bib.  Thank goodness I put them on!  And thank goodness I have them on video!

Anyway, on a positive note, after about 2 hours of on and off crying, playing, singing, and bathing, the boys were fed at 7:15pm, went straight to bed at about 7:30pm, cried it out for a very very brief time, and fell asleep.  I woke up at 3:15am with rock hard boobs.  I woke them up, fed them for 10 mins to relieve my breasts and we all went back to sleep.  I heard stirring at 5:30am so I woke them up again and fed them, even though it had only been 2 hours.  My boobs were hard again anyway and this time I tried to give them a full feeding. 

They were put straight to bed, but they mostly played.  I think they fell asleep at about 7am but I was in the shower.  They woke up at 8am... I can hear LBM playing and talking and LM has also started screeching.  It's already 8:41am and they're so content in their bed.  I'm gonna basically stretch it out as long as I possibly can...

On tap for today:  A trip to Indigo.  Just to get a Starbucks coffee and browse.  Maybe pick up a book for the boys? Maybe.  I can't help it, I love the stuff there!

Difficult Weekend

On Friday, my sons had their 6 month vaccinations.  Before we left, LM had a little bit of a runny nose but I didn't think anything of it.

I should have.

Friday night, at 11pm, LM woke up crying for milk, or so I thought.

As I was nursing both LM and LBM, I realised LM was burning up.  He was feverish and not himself.  No smiles, very serious, cranky.  His whole body was hot.  We took his temperature and noticed that he had a fever.  We gave him Tempra and I put him in bed with me.  His fever broke but again, he wasn't himself.  I ended up nursing him a bunch of times whenever he cried or seemed thirsty. 

He had a crazy bout of crying yesterday, like uncontrollable and non-stop!  We were so concerned that we called Telehealth.  They just told us to let the fever run (not to give Tempra) and to just nurse him whenever he wanted to avoid dehydration.

He slept with us again and I nursed him a number of times overnight while LBM slept peacefully in his crib.

I basically feel very sleepy and groggy.  But that's just the way it is with a sick baby!

I don't have the will or energy to write anymore today...

Reading List Update

I've decided to keep a record of the books I've read since the babies arrived. It takes a while to get through a book (Audition took FOREVER) but, honestly, this is the most I've read in a really long time.


1. The Secret Daughter by Shilpi Somaya Gowda too predictable
2. Audition by Barbara Walters soooo interesting
3. Ysabel by Guy Gavriel Kay a lot better than I expected, and very engaging for me
4. The Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connelly all right, easy read
5. Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell still reading....
6. The Sleepeasy Solution by Jennifer Waldburger and Jill Spivack  borrowed from a friend.. Crying it out... their method
7. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins by Marc Weissbluth Jury's out on this one, it's all right... library borrowing is better
8. Sprout Right by Lianne Phillipson-Webb a very nice guide to making baby's first foods and you introduce veggies and fruit first.  like that.
9. Fall of Giants by Ken Follett haven't finished it yet, borrowed from library and will borrow it from a friend to finish it.  has hooked me so far!

Crying It Out

I caved.

I decided to become an active partner in the sleep training of my children and join my husband's team.  I read the books, I re-read the books, I knew all I needed to know.  And all I want is a self-soothing, well-rested child whom I didn't have to hold and rock for an endless amount of time.  It kind of happened spontaneously, I just said, let's do it, I'm getting out of here.  My mom and my husband stayed and listened to the torturous screams.

LM screamed the hardest and longest.  It was about 50 minutes (according to them).  LBM finally gave up after about 35 minutes.  I've noticed that when one cries, the other really just quiets down and seems to listen.  Once his brother stops crying, he will start with the whimpering until he is full out crying.  I rarely have to listen both of the boys hysterical crying.  Except for this week.  I think that's why I finally caved.  It has been really difficult to try to manage both at nap times when they are crying simultaneously.  I've been exhausted.  Yesterday morning I couldn't get out of bed because I was having dizzy spells, even while lying down!  Anyway, I chalk it up to the tired-ness.

Okay, so after about 20 mins of crying, I had to get out of the house.  All I wanted to do was go in and check on them.  To make sure they weren't choking themselves, or caught somewhere or something!  So irrational but according to the research I've done (haha), the boys can smell me and my milk and know that I will pick them up if they see me.  It's recommended that I leave the house and let the dad take care of the crying babes.  Apparently the crying doesn't affect them as much as it does the mom.  In our case, I think it's true.  My husband surely does not react in the same way I do when the boys are crying.  He's a little more relaxed than I.

I drove around for the next hour.  When my husband called and said, come home, they're sleeping, I seriously teared up.  All I kept thinking about was how sorry I felt for them!!!  But they won't remember this, I know.  When I got home, my mom gave me a play by play on times and crying action, and that was the end.  Tonight, we have to do it again.  This time, I will go out again, maybe I'll go out and get something to drink, a beer would be nice, huh!  Hopefully it will not be as intense and long as it was last night.

It's a start, though.  Once this is done, then it's time for me to figure out what I should do about this breastfeeding.  My instinct is to NOT stop.  I don't want to stop.  I like it.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm limiting my opportunities to go out and most definitely I know I'm limiting my husband's.  It's hard not to feel guilty about that.  I guess I'm just torn. 

The great thing is, is that we have lots of friends who've just had babies too.  And they are all so supportive and great to us.  Whenever we get a chance to get together with them, we take it and that's been so key for my husband.  Socializing time has been fantastic.  Food for the soul.  Especially for the fun-loving, sociable man that he is!

Today is 6 month shots for the boyz.  I hope it's a little different than it was last time.  Last time I almost cried watching LBM's face of shock.  And the boys were both a little under the weather because of them.  We'll see!

Thoughts for a Wednesday Morning

We are currently going through a heatwave here and it is quite humid outside and upstairs.  I feel sorry for the boyz.... later on today, we're going out for a playdate -- I hope they are okay!  It's just to a friend's home but still, just going out might be a little uncomfortable for them!

I called Peel Public Health yesterday to ask them a few frazzled mom questions and the nurse then turned around and asked me if I would be a Breastfeeding Companion because I have been exclusively breastfeeding for the past 6 months.  They would train me and it would purely be me calling other moms as a support person.  Cool, huh?

After all of this!  More gratification, I suppose.  But mostly I just love it because I love watching them and listening to them and knowing that I am providing them with sustenance to survive.  It's an awesome feeling.

They're getting cuter and bigger and more lovely... I gotta stop gushing!

Happy 6 Months!!!!

Today is the boyz 6 month birthday!

What a whirlwind it has been.  I absolutely have loved every single moment of this journey.  I am still getting the hang of things but it has been worth every sleepless night, every breast feeding mishap, and every giggle, smile and babble. 

I am the happiest woman in the world!!!

Good Babies

I really do have great babies.  I am very lucky.  I haven't really had to do anything to 'train' them perse, but it's true, they don't really need much from me -- I just have to learn their cues and I usually can put them to sleep quite easily.  It's just the getting there that I have to figure out!

I'm tired.  I feel very stuffy and my nose runs at random times. 

LBM woke up once in the middle of the night (2am) crying -- either a bad dream or sore gums.  It's getting better, and not so startling for him and he is sleeping much better.  I have no complaints.  Poor little guy.

In other news, Canada Post has gone on strike.  No mail, indefinitely... uh oh.  I must admit, I love getting mail.  But in this day and age, it does seem archaic!  I think as I get older, I start to appreciate old-school ways and start to wish I had appreciated it more before!

Short afternoon nap over -- gotta go.

Feeling Not So Good

My throat is sore and I have a migraine today... uh oh...  I feel nauseous and in a daze.

But!  I have to go shopping for a one year old's bday party tomorrow! i kinda have a plan.  Kids wake up, feed them, play for a bit (like, 5 minutes!) and then car seats, and trek over to the mall.  I'll pick up clothes for her and then I'll come home.  Who knows how long that will take, right?

Pounding headaches make for very short posts.

My kids are still cute though!

First Post for June

1. Yesterday's trip to the BF clinic was a success, of sorts.  I have to continue to wear the breast shells as there has been significant damage to my nipples and they will always be sore as long as I am nursing.  Dr. Manson suggested that I not wear them 'once in a while' if I'm going out or something, just so I can get used to the feeling but that I probably won't be able to 'wean' myself necessarily.

2.  LBM was up at all hours last night, crying.  Okay, so I woke both boyz up at 8pm to nurse them because they had last eaten at 4:30pm and I did not want another night with both waking at 2 in the morning.  And after yesterday's disaster with the diapers and crib sheets and clothes, I wanted to make sure to give them a diaper change before leaving them for thenight.  I'd also rather have them wake a little later.  So waking them up was sort of disaster, because LM was fast asleep and in no mood to be woken up.  LBM had only been sleeping for a short while so even that was not a good scene.  Anyway, after they were fed, LM went to sleep immediately and LBM was held until about 9:15pm.  He cried a lot.  I gave him Camilia too... it doesn't seem to work all that well... for him, at least.  I think it knocks out LM for sure...

After a really nice chat with husband, I fell asleep at about 10pm.  I woke up, with a start, to LM's crying.  This was about 11pm.  He could NOT be consoled. I woke up the entire house because I couldn't do anything.  I ended up giving him 3 doses of Camilia.  He would not agree to me sitting down.  He wanted me to walk.  What does this mean?  Does he know that the only way he can fall asleep is by a walk or is the walk a soothing thing for him and he needs it because he's in pain?  I don't know!  I was so upset.  I walked.  He fell asleep in his crib.

At around 2am, he woke up again in hysterics.  This time he really was tired but was in pain.  I kept putting my finger in his mouth to check if he was hungry but honestly, there was no sucking, it was pure biting/gumming.  I bounced on the exercise ball.  He fell asleep, I put him in the crib and he immediately started crying.  I bounced on the exercise ball.  He fell asleep.  I put him in the crib and he immediately started crying.  I was so tired.  I put him in bed next to me.  He fell asleep.  How did he know?

He woke up at 3am crying.  I bounced on the exercise ball and he fell asleep.  I put him in my bed.  He got comfortable and fell asleep.  He cried out a few times but that's it. 

He woke up at 4am.  It was a combo of sucking on my finger and biting.  I went to wake up LM -- I figured it was time for a feeding anyway.  LM was WAY sleeping but I still got hime up.  My right breast had completely leaked and soaked my bra.  I fed them.  LM only ate for 10 minutes and husband put him to bed.  LBM ate for a solid 20 minutes.  Husband put him back in the crib. He was asleep.

He woke up screaming at 5am and I went to the nursery.  The drop-side crib was down.  LBM was right at the edge.  I was too tired to yell.  I told husband.  I put LBM in my bed and he went to sleep.

LM woke up at 6am and quietly played in the crib until 7am!  LBM was quietly stirring so I quickly got up and changed LM.  Meanwhile, LBM started screaming again!  It's like he knew I was gone.  I fed them, LBM only for 10 minutes, LM for about 12 minutes (he really wanted more, but I had to go to the bathroom!) and then they played.  I just put them down at 8am because they looked and acted tired and after a couple of cries, LM fell asleep and LBM did too.  Miracle of miracles.

3.  As LBM played on the activity mat, he turned his body slowly in 90 degree increments (while playing at each position) until he had completed a 360 turn!  Amazing.  He is surely going to be motoring!  His head control and back muscles are continually strengthening and it is great!  LM really engages with the toys.  He loves to talk to them and stare intently at them.  His focus and concentration seem to be extremely developed. 

4.  I gave the boys a little bit of the buttercup squash yesterday.  Just a small spoonful.  LM swallowed it after making a great squished up face.  He may just be ready to take some solid foods...  LBM was hilarious.  His tongue-thrust reflex is still very strong and he spit out the food right away and then gagged so hard, I thought he was going to throw up!  He's not ready for solids...

Now, to decide whether to feed one or wait till they're both ready...

5.  My throat hurts so much I don't want to talk.  ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

The boyz looking at daddy, looking like smooth criminals.  May, 2011

Last Post for May

Yesterday was a very productive day for us.  The night before was a tumultuous one, with frequent wakeups on account of LBM crying in discomfort... so this mama was tired!

After a good morning nap by the boyz, my mom and I decided to go grocery shopping for a few things to perhaps start solids.  We bought butternut and buttercup squash to prepare for the babes.  I'm following a book called "Sprout Right" which I kinda like so far but the author is a nutritionist and not a dietician (and I'm more apt to trust dieticians -- they're accredited, I believe whereas anyone can call themselves a nutritionist?) and she goes on and on about taking supplements and vitamins, which has totally freaked me out because of course, I didn't do any of the things she's suggesting I should have done throughout pregnancy and the first 3 months of the babe's lives... Anyway, I like that she's Canadian, and that she touts homemade baby food, etc, etc, etc.  I just like her and I like the book.  It's a good guide for me.  Cuz I need it!

I also bought two Fisher Price booster seats.  No high chairs for this household.  Not enough room and the ones I bought are portable which we can take anywhere.  I also got them on sale for 25% off the retail price, which was still expensive, but worth it when we know we're going to be using them everyday once they start eating!  I saved 20 bucks.  The place I went to was a retail name store who of course does not give any discounts to multiples families because they are a**holes!  Wow, that was a little severe...

I also got this teething soothing relief "medication" called Camilia to use for the boyz.  I know that LBM is teething and LM is definitely doing something, just not complaining in the same way that LBM is so I decided to try it on both of them.  I have a feeling that it completely knocks LM out whereas LBM calms down a bit, but doesn't really respond in the same way.  LBM continued to fuss and cry throughout the day and evening, until about 9pm, when he finally passed out.

I made dinner last night!  My own concoction - chicken breasts stuffed with spinach (from the freezer, defrosted) and parmesan, with a chipotle rub.  I baked it for about 25 minutes at 375.  We had rice with it, and kimchi, myulchi and kkim.  The chicken was so moist!  I was very proud of myself (haha). 

Then, I steamed the buttercup squash and pureed it in the food processor until smooth.  I added filtered water to it until it was a very smooth consistency, almost runny but not quite.  We then put everything into food cubes for the boyz and froze them.  After reading the book, I realised that you're not really supposed to introduce solids when babies are sick or having teething episodes so I'm a little confused as to what I should do.  Last night I had decided I was not going to give them any today but this morning, I thought, let's just try...

My mind is constantly changing!!!

With the leftover buttercup squash, I made a soup with reduced sodium chicken broth. I had some for my mid morning snack (or as I like to call it, my 2nd breakfast!) and it was scrumptious!!!

I watched "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition" last night until 11pm.  Although it was an interesting concept and I am sure I will be watching or at least PVRing the episodes, that was too late to be up.  Thus, I also woke up with a sore throat.  I think it's the lack of sleep...

Today I am going to the breastfeeding clinic with the boyz and my mom.  My boobs have been acting up again and I really am sick of using these breast shells to protect my nipples.  I'm too reliant on them and I don't like wearing them.

The weather today is supposed to be a scorcher.  There is a humidex advisory in effect, with temperatures feeling like 40C!  The weather here is so weird.

Landmark... and breaking hearts...

Last night, after an epic day with LBM not napping hardly at all (probably 2-30minute naps), and a bout of crying from both boyz, we put LM in his crib at about 7:15pm and LBM stayed in our bed.  They had both eaten at 5:30pm. 

I kept waiting for them to wake up and tried to enjoy "The Big Lebowski" with husband, but it was difficult as I was on edge the entire time!  I fell asleep at 9:30pm and woke up at around 1am to LM's cries from the nursery!  I woke LBM up and then I nursed them again.  This time we put LBM in his crib as well. 

They woke once again at 5am to eat and went into the crib again.  LBM cried for awhile but then he fell asleep.  We ALL woke up at 8am for another feed and then got ready for church. 

In some ways I can't believe I put them in their room last night.  It wasn't anything planned but I think after the past few weeks, I've just been too tired.  I just want to be stretched out in bed and not be on edge all of the time!

At the same time, my heart breaks -- I loved sleeping with them, listening to LBM blowing raspberries before falling asleep and LM talking and babbling before he fell asleep.  It was my radio before bed, easy-listening....

AND....

All of this crying from LBM is from teething!!! That's my final conclusion!  And finally realising that made me feel so horrible about not coming to his rescue soon enough!  No teeth have erupted yet, but I do know it may take months and that it is painful even when just starting to come out.  Poor little guy...

Give up?

I don't know what is going on...

I'm so confused!

Do I give them solids? Do I sleep train them?

What first?

My instinct is to work on the sleep first and then go on to solids.  I don't even want to write about this because I'm so sick of talking and thinking about it.

Basically, I am being told/pulled to start solids by everyone and I mean everyone. And I am having trouble getting the boys to sleep.  LM isn't so bad, but it's LBM right now.  It's really tiring to see.  He looks exhausted and I am exhausted too.

Saving Grace...

This week has been so much easier for me because
#1 - it was a holiday on Monday so my husband was around to help!
#2 - my cousin has been on holiday from work so she's come everyday to help me out.  She's stayed all day, from early afternoon (when it starts getting a little more difficult), to late evening (think, 8 or 9pm!).
#3 - I had a visit from a friend and her sister, which is always so nice, mentally.
I cannot be more grateful for the help I've been getting especially since these boyz were born.  I've truly been spoiled. 

On a side note, I've made an appointment for the breastfeeding clinic for Tuesday.  Something doesn't feel quite right anymore and I'm concerned...

Arghhhhhhhhhhh....

The thing is...

I cannot figure out how to put my sons to bed as the day goes on.  It just gets harder and harder, culminating in a really terrible evening.  My husband comes home to a tired and irritable me, trying to console and put down two cranky babies. 

Seeing that I am on edge, he tries to comfort and help me by insisting that we just, "let them cry it out."  I aquiesce, wanting to trust him and his judgement -- they are, after all, his children too... but my heart is quietly screaming, "no no no no!" 

The crying escalates into something inhuman.  I cannot hold back anymore.  Tears are welling in my eyes.  I snap at him, "this is not working for me.  I have to pick him up!" 

Crying begins to wane.  But the damage is done.  To my emotional psyche.  Babe continues to whimper and is ultra sensitive to anyone but me, including daddy.  I hold and kiss my baby until he drifts drifts drifts to slumber.  Why can't he fall asleep without crying or being cuddled?

And this is only ONE babe.

I cannot even discuss the other right now.

About Last Night...

So, LBM slept for 3.5 hours during the day yesterday, which meant that the boyz didn't eat until more than 4 hours after their last feeding.  This threw off the schedule, and it ended up that they fell asleep for the NIGHT at around 5:30pm, after the 5pm feed.  It was nice for my husband and I because we were able to spend some quality time together.  We watched the movie "The Kids are Alright" (which was fantastic) and had dinner together.

Anyway, at about 1:15am, I woke up to the boyz stirring, and from utter pain in my breasts -- they were rock hard and leaking milk.  I woke the boyz up and sat down to nurse...

LM, after about 5 minutes of basically my milk pouring into his mouth, he proceeded to spit up.  I moved him a little out of the way of my breast so that I could catch the spit up and clean it up with a cloth when he then, projectile vomited so forcefully that it landed in LBM's eyes and face.  I was able to quickly move him out of the way so the rest of it ended up in my lap, soaking the seat and my underwear and pants.  It felt like I had peed my pants and I was absolutely covered.  It was all over my breasts, chest, stomach, all over LM's own arm and neck, all over LBM's face and arms.  Luckily LBM was so hungry, it didn't phase him and he kept eating.  I was screaming and my husband basically ran up the stairs (he had gone to get a glass of water for me!), alarmed and scared.

I don't understand why this happened.  It is the first time it has happened and was hard to watch.  LM was completely uninterested in eating anymore and went back to sleep quite quickly.  LBM, on the other hand, woke us all up two more times to eat, and each time had quite a difficult time going back to sleep.  Coupled with the long nap(s) and frequency of eating, (always waking first, and consistently every 2.5-3 hrs, no more) I am suspecting that he might be going through a growth spurt.  At least that's what I'm hoping!

This morning, LBM is absolutely HATING lying on his back... the OT told me that it is not a good idea to have him sitting all of the time to appease him because he does have to learn to roll and the only way he can do that is by being on his back.  I am trying to limit the amount of time he's sitting up, but it's becoming more and more difficult.  I think he goes through stages of discomfort and intolerance though.  Sometimes he's a lot more willing to be on his back lately, although it is becoming more and more of a challenge!!!

Blowing Raspberries and Giggling!

So, I haven't really written about the really cool things that have been happening with the boyz.  Instead, it's been more of my ranting but I really wanted to share a few things.

1.  LBM has been blowing raspberries for a little over a week now.  It started with the clicking of the tongue a few weeks back, which was constant and then completely stopped.  It morphed into a whole bunch of salivating and goober all over his chin and neck and then changed again to this blubbering with his lips and tongue.  It is hilarious.  I'll often hear him playing in his crib or wherever I've put him, blowing raspberries and giggling at himself doing it.  I love it. Oh, and he also does this thing with his tongue where he can totally turn it upside down!  He just plays with it constantly!

2.  LM just started giggles earlier this week.  His dad put his face really close to LM's neck and he just started to giggle away!  He also just recently discovered his tongue and is starting to stick it out and play with it more often.  Also, from the beginning, it almost seems, if we put his blanket or something soft right by his face, he will pull it right over himself and start either sucking it or rubbing his face on it and somehow soothe himself to sleep.  Sometimes I'll go into their room and find him with the blanket right over his entire body.  At first, it was very concerning but now, I just pull it down if I see it because I know that he's most likely sleeping.  On the other hand, LBM will put his entire fist in his mouth and still does not know how to self soothe (or that his hand could help to soothe him).  I am (little secret) concerned about that.  I want him to be able to soothe himself because I think it's an important life skill.  I'm training him, and it's slow but he's so cute, I will continue to help him get there!

3.  I bought a little soother/teether holder and am also going to train the boyz to start using the soother a little more often.  They seemed to take to it a little easier yesterday. 

4.  Friends came over yesterday with their 4 month old son.  He is adorable.  Anyway, they had this contraption called the hipseat.  I tried it out.  What a lifesaver!  It is different from the Bjorn in that all of the weight is on your hips/back/legs as opposed to on your shoulders and back.  It would be great for me because I would be able to carry one baby with one arm over my shoulder and the other on the hipseat on the other side with the other arm, especially when they are flipping out.  It's also great because you can use it up to the age of 3 and the carrier is so tiny and easily portable.  I'm picking one up today for $50.  I think it'll be great for my husband too, because he's been finding it difficult to carry the boyz, with his long arms, it makes for a very uncomfortable daddy and baby.

5.  I've been nap training all week.  It definitely is not easier but it is for sure revealed some patterns:

• the longest nap of the day is the very first morning nap, usually between 7 and 9:30am
• as the day passes, the naps get shorter and the boyz get crankier and needier (as in, they need to be held)
• LBM usually does NOT sleep in the late afternoon, before the final feed of the day and LM will sleep for a very short while, probably 15 minutes?

6.  The last 3-4 days, during the final feeding time, I have nursed the boyz and they have fallen asleep at the breast.  I then put them straight to bed.  I am now starting to wonder whether that's a good thing or not.  But because LBM hasn't slept at all from about 2:30pm or 3pm, by the time 6:30pm rolls around, I'm not even sure he wants to eat, I just feed him and he is asleep by the end of the session.  LM, although he has had some sleep, he too, will often fall asleep at the breast or at least be extremely sleepy and willingly go straight down.  I don't even change their diapers until the next morning, because I don't want to disturb them and they rarely soil their diapers after every feeding anymore (they poop maybe 2 times a day now?).  I wonder if nursing them to sleep is a good idea...

Yesterday

Naps
As the day goes on, it gets harder and harder for the boyz to be put down.  There's more crying and fussiness and a real lack of wanting to be in the crib.  The morning naps are longest.  Yesterday it was about 2 1/2 hours.  As naps progressed, the naps became progressively shorter, until the last nap was 30 minutes.  I don't have any idea if that is normal or not but it seems to be the pattern that the boyz are in.  I really really study their faces and bodies for signs when they're tired.  Again, it's easier to put them down after I acknowledge those signs in the morning than later on in the day.

Sleep
After nursing them at about 6:15 (or so?) last night, I brought them downstairs to their rockers, turned down the lights and just stared at them.  It was calm and LBM was extremely chilled out.  LM was a little hyper but he was trying to contain himself (heh heh).  I gave them their blankets and they used them to suck/lick.  After about 20-30 minutes, LM began to rub his eyes and yawn.  My mother took him upstairs to rock him to sleep.  That took a good 20 minutes (perhaps more?).  He was still stirring when I came up with LBM.  LBM was not ready for bed and showed very few signs of being tired.  So, as soon as he rubbed his eye just a bit, I picked him up and started to rock him.  He finally fell asleep after about 15-20 minutes of rocking in all kinds of positions.  I put him down and went downstairs.  This was about 7:50pm.

At about 8:15, LBM began to scream.  It might have been because he had kicked his blankets off and was cold but it's hard to say.  My husband held him until he calmed down and fell back asleep.  At 10:30pm, he woke up again and I could tell that his nose was all stuffed up.  I gave him some saline drops, which made him freak out more.  I wanted to quickly remove him from the room in case he woke LM up and so my husband swept him out.  The screaming and crying continued to escalate when finally my husband was able to clear LBM's nose, which seemed to calm him down.  I took over until LBM fell asleep in my arms.  I waited an extra few minutes to be sure and then put him down beside LM.  They slept until about 3:15am.  LBM woke up again to eat, LM just wanted to sleep!  Maybe LBM is going through a growth spurt? Who knows?  Anyway, my bra and breast shells were full of milk, I was soaked.  And in pain.  I basically just wanted to get up so I could feed them, I didn't care if they were just having a bad dream or not.  Last night, i decided that I should probably not wake up to pump because I'm just teaching my body to continue to produce milk when in fact, the boyz don't want or need that extra feeding anymore.  It's a consistent 6 times a day now, and me pumping is fooling my brain to produce milk for 7 times a day.  It is painful and makes a mess (I still have to figure out how to sleep without using up a bra a night), but in truth, I think I need the sleep.  I'm looking a little messed up lately.

Co-sleeping
Have I written about our family co-sleeping with the boyz?  We started at about 3 months and it's at the 5 1/2 month mark.  I am getting closer and closer to being ready to put the boyz in the crib overnight.  It only makes sense if they only wake up once a night, right?  My baby daddy loves sleeping with them, but I think he feels torn.  He wants to reclaim the bed but he rarely has much time with them during the weekdays -- perhaps an hour at most -- and at least sleeping with them, they're closeby and it's just, well, nice.  It's really nice to have them right there, to look at them and watch them sleep so peacefully and to see their angelic faces.  It's like, soooooooooo beautiful.

And a Church update

We tried a church last week and although it was alright, it wasn't exactly a fantastic experience.  It was a little stuffy (old school traditional, maybe?) and husband was not very happy about it.  I wasn't either.  So we tried a different church yesterday and it went a lot better.  There seemed to be more young people and the minister was more appealing to us.  First of all, she was funny and seemed to be more accessible.  Secondly, it was a bigger congregation, which was nice. 

I think we'll be going back for sure.  We're getting closer to finding a faith community!  I know it seems silly, but it's seriously important to me.

What is happening?!?!?!?!

Lately, LBM and LM have been absolutely unbelievable, in terms of sleep.  Or lack thereof.

First issue:
Naps
WTH is going on with them?  Last Friday, after nursing them in the morning and then putting them in their cribs as per usual, LBM flipped out and I basically had to hold him until the next feeding, which was 3 hours later!  He cried everytime I put him down and didn't want to play at all.  He just wanted to be held.  Which is fine, but is also tres exhausting. 

I tried to 'nap train' LM yesterday by letting him cry it out.  I think I might have damaged him.  Crying it out is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  It may work for some people but I can NOT do it.  And I refuse to.  it is absolutely ridiculous.  How do you listen to your child crying hysterically and ignore it?  I let him cry for 20 minutes and as it continued to escalate (and NOT slow down, as all of those theorists claim, yeah right... ugh), I finally went in the room and tried to soothe him by not picking him up (as all of those theorists say, yeah right... ugh) but that made things worse.  So I picked him up and begged for forgiveness.  I won't do it again.  It's dumb.

Naps have been lasting maybe 30-45 minutes and I have to hold them and rock them until they will sleep. It is very tiring and I don't think I can continue that at all.  I decided today that I would start the day for them after the first morning feed, at 630am and I took them down to the living room and put them in their rockers.  No word of a lie, LM started rubbing his eyes at 7am and LBM started at 7:05am.  I put LM in his crib immediately and went back down to play/read (the newspaper ha!) with LBM.  When LBM started rubbing his eyes, I brought him up too.  I fully expected him to scream like last week but he didn't!  He took his blanket and chilled out.  LM was still awake, blanket right over his head, but no matter, he was playing by himself and getting sleepy.  It is now 8:05am and completely quiet.  I know they're sleeping, I just hope it lasts for the next couple of hours.  They must be exhausted.  Because of last night....

Sleep at night
WTH is happening with this?!?!?  It is driving me crazy.  LBM, ever since he discovered his voice (which, btw, is a shriek and a very loud one, at that!) seems to be crying a little more.  Or at least it feels like more because it's so damn loud.  LBM MUST be held until he falls asleep.  If I put him down awake but sleepy, he wakes up and I have to start the process all over again.  And it takes FOREVER.  Anyway, my husband can't even help me because the boyz don't seem to be able to get comfortable in his arms.  Which is a horrible feeling for him and a horrible situation for me.  Saturday night, LBM actually turned and moved his body towards me from my husband's and I had to hold both of them until they fell asleep. Yes, I was dying, I had to get hubby to save me. 

Last night, LBM cried for so long, I don't even remember exactly what happened.  Oh, we tried a new technique -- low lights, reading books, calm environment.  Then you're supposed to put them down and they should be calm.  Yeah right.  Try hysterical screaming.  And I'm telling you, this is TOTALLY new.  This never happened before! They would just go to sleep!  This weekend though, they went batshit crazy.

I am hoping that they were overtired, which is why they were so uncomfortable.  I have noticed that if they have better naps during the day, they are more apt to go to bed at night a lot easier.  And they seem to sleep longer too.

So last night, instead of sleeping until 3:30 or 4am, they woke up at 12:30am (which means I didn't have to pump!), 4:30am and then finally up at 6:30am.  Why is this happening?

I need helppppppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

First Mother's Day!

We went to church together today as a family and that made me really happy.  We were the centre of attention of course, being the 'new' people and then those new people with twins.  It was great!  Then we went to the Living Arts Centre for a brunch/lunch buffet with my sister and her family, my mom and my brother in law's family. It was good being together, talking, laughing and being amazed that our lives have changed so much in the past few years.

As an update, my sister loaned me all of my niece's toys for the boys and my cousin is coming by on Tuesday to bring over her exersaucer and jumperoo.  Yesssssssss!!!

Also, I started fiddling with my sewing machine.  I think I know how to sew.  I'm not an idiot and I remember the rudimentary lessons/steps my mom and home economics teacher in middle school taught me.  I am going to experiment with one of my skirts tomorrow -- turning it into a pencil skirt.  Let's see what happens!!!!

What to do, what to do continued...

Another thing I want to note is the fact that the boyz seem to be sleeping through the night.  I thought it was just a one time thing, purely luck but it's been consistent since the middle of April.  Which would mean that they have been sleeping through the night since 4 months of age!! AMAZING!  We're very lucky, I know.  My boobs, however are suffering!  I have been pumping if I wake up needing relief but I'd rather be doing that then waking up several times throughout the night.  They wake up at 4:30am and that's it! Then it's a series of 2-4 hr intervals throughout the day.  I'll take that! 

I love them so much. 

Oh, and this Sunday is Mother's Day.  It will be my first Mother's Day! I'm excited about that.  We're going to the Living Arts Centre for an overpriced brunch/lunch buffet.  But I'm happy to be going out with my family.

OH!  And I'm an aunt again!!!  My husband's sister had a baby girl on Tuesday! She's gorgeous!

What to do, what to do?

sooooo... the boyz are now 5 months old!

And they're sick of their toys. Or lack thereof.  The activity mats are no longer holding their value as LBM is utterly sick of laying on his back, batting and grabbing the same old toys, listening to the same old music, kicking the same old kick mat... he literally screamed until I picked him up and put him in his rocker.  Thank goodness for that thing!  LM is still all right on the mat, but definitely is transitioning.  Basically, the bottom line is, they are both getting bored quite quickly of their toys.

I had been scouring Craigslist for used toys: exersaucers, jolly jumpers and such when I got a random message from a cousin, offering the use of those exact items!  Are we the luckiest people ever?  I can only hope to be as generous some day to others.  Now it's a matter of hooking up with said cousin to retrieve those items and then also to grab some stuff from my sister, who has stuff to lend me as well.  I'm extremely excited and must must must arrange for an exchange asap!

Anyway, while doing all of this, I realised that in a few weeks, I will have to start (maybe?) the boyz on solids.  That requires high chairs or booster seats, food storage cubes as I intend on making food for them, and all those supplies that come with eating.  I ordered a book, "Sprout Right" because it's written by a Canadian and is all about making food for babies as they start solids.  It was WAY cheaper to order it online than to get it from the bookstore, even though I love love love going to the bookstore and leaving with a bagful of books!  I also got a small garden gardening book.  I'm excited, so excited to start planting things!

Okay, so the point of that last paragraph was that while on craigslist, I found a woman who was selling her baby food cubes both unused and used for a ridiculously low price, as well as baby proofing stuff.  I picked them up today.  I spent $15 for 50 food cubes, a large assortment of babyproofing stuff, and a container for small baby items for the dishwasher.  10 food cubes sell for $6.95, the babyproofing stuff is tres expensive -- I'd say I saved at least $20 bucks MINIMUM on that stuff and the container sells for a ridiculous $15 retail.  Ultimately, I think I saved at least $50 on all of my stuff, less the cost for gas, but I don't even care about that because it was a trip out with the babies... something to do, right?

I'm gonna have to continue this post later... LM is crying...  time to eat!

Another Resolutions Update

This year, I hope to...

1.  Learn how to sew and complete at least one sewing project by July 1, 2011.
This resolution is a little difficult -- I still don't have a sewing machine.  Maybe I should revise it to:  Get a sewing machine by July 1, 2011.
Yesterday was my birthday and my cousin GAVE me her unused Brother LS2125 sewing machine!  Husband says that he will still be on the lookout for a Janome model, which is a nice brand that will probably last me years, but this one can tide me over till then.  Hey, it's new, and will do everything (or anything) I need for now!!! Yay!!!
2.  Write at least 3-5 posts per month on this blog.
I did accomplish this in Feb and March, I think... despite my massive bf issues and delirium that accompanied it!
3.  Run a half marathon or another 10K by October, 2011.
HA!  As if I've even started working out yet!  I am hoping I'll start SOMETHING next week.  The fact that I went to a swimming pool last week with the boyz is accomplishment enough, I think.
4.  Go on a family vacation to the Rockies or somewhere in Canada in the summer. 
This definitely is not happening.  I don't think my husband can take the time off although we might be able to swing something for November... hopefully!  Again, I think we're gonna need to go with family members only because we need the extra set of hands!
5.  Make at least 1 extra payment on the mortgage (Gotta start small and remember I'm on maternity leave! and I have to figure it out with my husband).  
Done!  Our next mortgage payment will have another $5000 added to it.  That's it for the year.  I think a good thing?
6.  Create a family budget and stick to it.  This will be completed by the end of February, 2011.  Fail.  Let's change it to December 2011.  hahahahaha!!!  I need more time!
Believe it or not, our financial advisor sent me his own personal budget template and I've started filling it out.  It's not easy, that's for sure however....  At least I've started!

Easter and Baptising

Yesterday the boyz were baptized.  They were wonderful and calm.  It was a glorious day, sunny and warm and I was so happy.  It was an awesome service, my husband's family really enjoyed the United Church's "way" of conducting Sunday service, and that was great to hear too. Especially for my mom, who was so proud to have us there!

LBM sucked on my neck throughout the service and I got my first hickey.  From my son.  Hilarious!

I felt proud and I felt like we were starting anew with our sons.  Establishing a community of faith for my boyz and for my husband and I is really important to me and I felt like yesterday was the starting point. 

I have a lot of hope for the future for our family.  I want it to begin with God as our foundation.  I think we've begun...

Turning Points

Having the babies has taught me that life is all about turning points.  I feel like this weekend was one of them.  The boyz are changing a lot. 

Turning Point #1:  On Friday night, I was able to nurse them at about 7:30pm and then after playing with them for a bit, we put them to bed at about 9pm.  At 5:15am, I woke up to a soaked t-shirt and leaking boobs.  "Everybody UP!!!" I yelled and bolted out of bed.  I scared my husband awake and the boyz just smiled and lazed around, waiting to eat.  I don't even think they wanted to.  I was in pain, I had to massage my boobs, I was afraid that without doing that, they would become too engorged.  I've had mastitis and I do not want to go down that road again.  Anyway, just for the fact that they slept for 8+ hours in a row has GOT to be a turning point, right?

Turning Point #2:  Saturday, after swimming lessons, we came home, fully expecting boyz to sleep for a couple of hours.  Instead, just as we sit down to eat lunch, we hear a little squeak.  We look over at the car seats, in time to see two little boyz staring at us, wide awake, patiently waiting for us to take them out and give them their own lunch!  A calm awakening has GOT to be a turning point, right?

Turning Point #3:  After nursing them and then bathing them, we quickly took off for the grandparents house about 30mins away.  Playing with grandma and grandpa (sort of, granpa was teaching me how to make tomato sauce!) was good for their soul.  Then it was eating time again and I was able to nurse them there.  The fact that I was comfortable enough to nurse them there was DEFINITELY a turning point for me.

Turning Point #4:  The boyz are starting to talk and make real noises with their voices now.  LM is especially starting to use his voice more often now, and his crying is totally different, because he is using his voice.  It is soooooooo cute.  LBM is still so engaged with toys and other stuff but is slowly starting to pay more attention to human beings (haha).  He talks like crazy and gets so excited and loves to play.  It is so amazing to watch.  This transition to "human" has GOT to be a turning point, right?

This weekend was such a turning point for me and our family.  I am feeling happier and more satisfied. 

Now, I just have to start running...