Back to Normal

Okay, so yesterday was "the Day."  The Day when I had to let my LM go back to his crib, his room, back to be with his brother.  And it was horrifyingly horrible.  Like, I purposely ran all kinds of stupid errands so I didn't have to listen to it.  Although I certainly felt like I was there with him.  I was in a terrible mood; grumpy and unhappy.  I went to Costco and Loblaws and bought a bunch of stuff we didn't really need all that desperately and used up a bunch of PC points that I had only been saving for the past 10 years only to buy diapers that were on sale that weren't even the right size but I didn't even notice because obviously my mind was elsewhere... it was that kind of night. 

Husband said that he only cried for an hour and a half.  Okay.  That would be okay if he didn't wake up at 12:55am and proceed to cry for another hour and half.  I was horrified.  I kept nudging husband telling him, it's been 20 minutes, it's been 40 minutes, it's been AN HOUR before I fell asleep momentarily, only to wake up and hear more crying until it stopped again...  I didn't realise that husband was completely asleep the entire time I was freaking out.. of course my eyes were glued to the monitor so I didn't even have the courtesy to turn my head to see if he was also awake. 

So in total, out of an 11 hour sleep, LM slept for all of 8 hours -- because he cried for 3 of them.  In the dark.  Doesn't that sound so painful?  It makes me feel so awful!

Like I have probably written before... Crying it out sucks ass.  And I think it's more torture for me, yes, but it seems so counter-intuitive.  I have to fight every intuition in my body and that doesn't seem normal to me.  It doesn't seem like it's supposed to happen that way.  Why, when the very few times I actually feel my "woman's intuition," do I have to ignore it?  I always think that the way we do it is wrong.  And actually, husband does agree with me.  If we had one kid, I think we probably would be cosleeping without really questioning ourselves.  But with two, there is this overwhelming sense of guilt.  All the time.  And there is also a very real need for structure and some sort of control.  Making sure they are on the same schedule and under very similar environmental conditions allows us to have some semblance of order in the household.  So, putting them down at the same time and then freeing me for the rest of the night is something that is precious for me.  Because down time is so important.  For my mind. 

It gives me a chance to re-set.  It's all about the re-set.  Again, something LM knows much about.  We had to re-set him so many times in the early months -- a simple re-set would lead to a calmer sleep later.  But before that re-set?  Holy moly, it was a scary place.  So sometimes (okay, all the time) I need a re-set.  I need to be alone to do nothing and to be allowed to do nothing.  And to let my mind wander. 

Or maybe I just mean, I need sleep.  My eyes are closing even now, as I type.  And it's not even 10pm.  Wow.

Anyway, the whole point of this post was this:  LM and LBM both went to bed at 7pm tonight.  LBM without a peep.  LM with about a 2 minute sob-fest and then lights out. 

And it's been quiet ever since.

Here's to crying it out.

Ugh.