Back to Normal

Okay, so yesterday was "the Day."  The Day when I had to let my LM go back to his crib, his room, back to be with his brother.  And it was horrifyingly horrible.  Like, I purposely ran all kinds of stupid errands so I didn't have to listen to it.  Although I certainly felt like I was there with him.  I was in a terrible mood; grumpy and unhappy.  I went to Costco and Loblaws and bought a bunch of stuff we didn't really need all that desperately and used up a bunch of PC points that I had only been saving for the past 10 years only to buy diapers that were on sale that weren't even the right size but I didn't even notice because obviously my mind was elsewhere... it was that kind of night. 

Husband said that he only cried for an hour and a half.  Okay.  That would be okay if he didn't wake up at 12:55am and proceed to cry for another hour and half.  I was horrified.  I kept nudging husband telling him, it's been 20 minutes, it's been 40 minutes, it's been AN HOUR before I fell asleep momentarily, only to wake up and hear more crying until it stopped again...  I didn't realise that husband was completely asleep the entire time I was freaking out.. of course my eyes were glued to the monitor so I didn't even have the courtesy to turn my head to see if he was also awake. 

So in total, out of an 11 hour sleep, LM slept for all of 8 hours -- because he cried for 3 of them.  In the dark.  Doesn't that sound so painful?  It makes me feel so awful!

Like I have probably written before... Crying it out sucks ass.  And I think it's more torture for me, yes, but it seems so counter-intuitive.  I have to fight every intuition in my body and that doesn't seem normal to me.  It doesn't seem like it's supposed to happen that way.  Why, when the very few times I actually feel my "woman's intuition," do I have to ignore it?  I always think that the way we do it is wrong.  And actually, husband does agree with me.  If we had one kid, I think we probably would be cosleeping without really questioning ourselves.  But with two, there is this overwhelming sense of guilt.  All the time.  And there is also a very real need for structure and some sort of control.  Making sure they are on the same schedule and under very similar environmental conditions allows us to have some semblance of order in the household.  So, putting them down at the same time and then freeing me for the rest of the night is something that is precious for me.  Because down time is so important.  For my mind. 

It gives me a chance to re-set.  It's all about the re-set.  Again, something LM knows much about.  We had to re-set him so many times in the early months -- a simple re-set would lead to a calmer sleep later.  But before that re-set?  Holy moly, it was a scary place.  So sometimes (okay, all the time) I need a re-set.  I need to be alone to do nothing and to be allowed to do nothing.  And to let my mind wander. 

Or maybe I just mean, I need sleep.  My eyes are closing even now, as I type.  And it's not even 10pm.  Wow.

Anyway, the whole point of this post was this:  LM and LBM both went to bed at 7pm tonight.  LBM without a peep.  LM with about a 2 minute sob-fest and then lights out. 

And it's been quiet ever since.

Here's to crying it out.

Ugh.

Who's In Our Bed?

That would be me, husband, LM (as per usual), and LBM (!).  LBM woke up, crying in a panic because somehow he got out of his sleep sack and was absolutely freezing.  Poor thing.  He's been trying to get comfortable in our bed (I don't think he can) for the last 45 minutes.  I had to come down to get a drink and can hear him coughing and moving around...

Source: drmomma.org via Verity on Pinterest

I hope we can sort this out. I'm not sure if I want to continue this pattern, I sort of do, but I sort of don't. Always torn. There's so many conflicting opinions. We just have to somehow figure it out ourselves.

I love that I found out how to blog-post from Pinterest. Makes the blog look better and makes posting easier.

In a Rut...

Me, not the boyz!

Why is it so hard to get my ass in gear and out for a run? 

Lots of stuff going on lately.  Husband has been looking for work and we've got some options on the horizon but it's so hard to make the wise decision.  I know he'll make the best decision for our family but it's still quite confusing as to which to take.  It's hard to know or predict which will give us the best future.

Boyz are doing much better - thank goodness for modern medicine!

The only real issue we've been having lately is LM sleeping with us every night in bed because he cannot sleep in his crib (it's been too many months of him used to my smell and the comfort of our bed) and the nap issue during the day - very very difficult.  And I don't know what to do to fix it.

I participated in a webinar last week and the speaker said that her kids stopped needing a morning nap at the age of one.  So we tried that yesterday.  Yeah.  Not happening.  I find that right now, they do need that short morning nap but I'm going to try to push them again for as long as I can.  We're going to a baby shower tomorrow and I want them to be in good moods!

Again, it's my obsession -- sleep.  Twins and sleep. Twins and sleep.  Twins and sleep. 

Does anyone understand my dilemma?