Christmas Eve

Fam-jam in Guelph

Vitals

I just read over last year's post and thought I should update the vitals on the boyz!

LBM: 20 lbs
LM: a little over 19lbs (he's lost some weight since November due to illness... poor guy was bigger than his brother until mid-November and now he's losing...)

(about.. remember the incident at the doctor's? Well, I didn't have a chance to look at the numbers exactly...)

They have QUADRUPLED their weights since last year!!!!! In ONE year!  Woot!  I'm pretty proud, I must say.  Breast milk is numero uno!

Mama: still good, am aiming for low 130s before I go back to work.  Exercise is needed desperately.
Papa: looking good also.

New Years Eve Eve - Weaning....

It's very late.  I should be sleeping.

Just wanted to update on the breastfeeding front.  We (well, more I) decided to continue the morning and night nursing and stop the day-time feeds.  It'll make it easier for when I go back to work and also make it easier to get out more, without having to worry about nursing the boyz one at a time when we're out.

We are/were down to 4 feeds a day. And starting yesterday, I cut the boyz off from the two middle feeds.  They are miserable and confused and frustrated and cranky and parched and dehydrated.  They won't drink the milk and I already have such a hard time getting LM to drink out of the sippy cup, I'm getting worried about their liquids. 

I'm also so focused on making sure they are okay and comfortable and comforted that I am not really thinking about how sad I feel.

It's really hard to let it go.  I love the closeness I feel with them.  I love the connection the three of us have when we're together.  I love that I can comfort them from everything with my breast.  It's so beautiful. 

I'm so afraid that I won't have that close feeling anymore, I don't want to lose it.  Deep down, I know I'm being unrealistic, but I can't help it.  I feel like it's my last ultimate bond with them and that I'm cutting it off. 

Wow, this letting go thing is so hard.

Thank goodness I can put on a happy face.  I have this thing to broadcast all of my confessions to which makes it easy to never have to voice them directly to anyone.  It's out there.  That's it.

The Next 12 Hours - A Christmas Update

So...

We came home, prepared ourselves for a solitary Christmas Eve and bought all kinds of fun supplies.  We were going to make it a fun day, dammit!

The 21st.  Wednesday night.  8:30pm.  It has been 10 hours since the news about no Christmas for us.  Phone call from sister. 

Niece DOES NOT HAVE THE CHICKEN POX.

What the what??!?!?!?!?

Is that a confirmation or is that another batch of twelve-different-professionally-trained-for-10+ years-doctors' advice?

Apparently not. 

Yessssss!!!

Christmas is back on, sista!!!!

Yesterday, the FIRST 12 hours

Off to the doctor for the 12 month vaccinations.  THREE shots!  Two in the right arm, one in the left. 

After meeting my niece and sister and brother in law for dinner on Saturday, we found out that said niece had some localized spots on her back and belly.  Then, on Monday, she was sent home from daycare on suspicion of chicken pox.  A 3 day break from daycare, as they gently put it.  The spots, which appeared on Sunday, meant that the most contagious period (Saturday and Friday) also was the day we had a famjam at the restaurant on Saturday night.  When she kissed and hugged and played with our boyz.  Nice.

So this is Tuesday's news.  Thankfully, Wednesday we had our appointment with the doctor.  At this point, we know in our heart of hearts that there might not be a Christmas for us with our niece.  And my sister's poor little family would be quarantined for the best holiday of the year... oh no.

They went to the doctor at least twice between Monday and Wednesday.  All medically trained professionals (all schooled for 10+ years) said: "It's chicken pox." or "I'm not sure what it is." or "Just to be safe, she should be quarantined for 7 days."  WTF?

There was no consensus.

So, we went to the doctor and with the information we had, asked if WE would be allowed to participate in husband's family Christmas.  Where there were two babes.  Like one that is 7 months and another that is 11 months.  Plus a pregnant sister-in-law.  Yeah.  Right.  As if.  The doctor said no way. 

Boyz got their shots.

Mama and papa were in shock/denial...

No Christmas for the boyz. 

Or for mama and papa. 

The one holiday we were so looking forward to. 

You see, last Christmas day, we brought the boyz home from the hospital.  I was suffering (as I look back) from some heavy post partum.  Like, the kind where you-hate-everyone-and-don't-want-to-see-or-talk-to-anybody-and-you-just-want-to-be-under-the-covers-hiding-only-you-have-to-pump-every-three-hours-and-go-to-the-hospital-to-"visit" (so crazy)-your-children-messed-up-ness.  Needless to say, we didn't celebrate Christmas Eve with anyone (I so didn't even want to) and on Christmas day, I was so happy, I wanted to treasure every single moment with my husband and children at home... Finally.

Anyway, this was going to be the first Christmas we could share the boyz with our families.  And we were so pumped for that!  I was so excited.  Our nephew is only a month younger than the boyz and we wanted to see that interaction.  Plus, I missed them and wanted to see the fam!

And now it wasn't going to happen.

Husband and I were silent in the car on the way home. 

What's there to say?

WALKING!!!

LBM is continuously taking up to 10 little steppers from me to husband and back again. LM is taking 2 solid steps.  This is so exciting and fun to watch their faces.  It's pure excitement and joy and happiness on their faces.  I love it!

Ahhhhhhh!!!!

The Saga Continues...

So, after the mishap last Friday with LM and the examining table incident, LBM got sick on Monday.  Then LM got sick, of course.  LM's forehead lump was still swollen and bruised and LBM had no problems smashing trucks and other toy objects onto LM's bump while LM continued to bump his own head off of tables, toys, etc.  Thus, the swelling never really went down but it wasn't enough to create an alarm for me (or husband or hal-muh-nee).

On Friday morning, LM woke up with two swollen eyes (kinda like Rocky would look after 10 rounds in the ring) with red splotches all over his face and a rash over his body.  As the day wore on, they became more like hives.  I called Telehealth first thing in the morning, even though my mother and husband said that he would be fine.  I needed my own peace of mind.

The nurse suggested that I take him to the doctor.  Ha.  I knew it!  So we made an appointment for the afternoon.  Anyhow, as the day wore on, the splotches seemed to dissipate as did the swelling in the eyes.  I took him to the doctor anyway.  At the office, we determined that it might not be anything - in fact, it might just be part of the virus that was causing the hives but still we weren't sure.  I did feed him peanut butter and cheese for the first time the day before.  Now call me irresponsible, but I really wasn't concerned about him having allergies - there is no family history of allergies and they are over a year old (chronologically) now.  The cheese, I think  though, might be the culprit, IF there is any sort of sensitivity.  A month ago, I gave him yoghurt and he erupted in little spots around his mouth, so that could possibly indicate a dairy sensitivity.

The doc recommended a referral and appointment to see the allergist.  Oh great.  Now, I get to take my son to the allergist who will proceed to poke him with 100 needles.  I am VERY upset about this.  But really, I feel like I have to put on a strong face because I refuse to believe he has allergies to foods.  I don't want that to happen.  Prayer is needed.  Please.

Along with all of this, I had noticed that at the top of LM's head was a large lump.  It had been markedly larger than anything I remember seeing on his head.  But I didn't say anything to anyone because I didn't think it was anything serious.  So, we woke up Saturday to a fun day with Nonno and shopping.  When we came home, I kept touching his head to see if it hurt and he didn't seem sensitive to it.  But then halmuhnee came home.  And she pressed on the bump.  It was extremely soft - like really really soft.  I was shocked.  Why hadn't I thought of pressing on it?  I didn't want to hurt him and I think a part of me didn't really want to know...

So we ended up at the walk in clinic.

It's definitely a contusion but the doctor didn't seem concerned and said that if I really wanted to, I could take him for an x-ray but that he didn't think it was serious.  LM is fully alert, very happy and has no symptoms of concussion.  There really is nothing for me to worry about, I know.  The last thing I want is to expose my son to radiation for no real reason.  What is the point of that when there is really no indication of anything being wrong?

Regardless, this is what the week's been like.  Oh, and LM has basically slept in our bed since November 28th.  And he's getting 4 teeth.

Cute story:  While LM and I were gone to the doctor on Friday, husband stayed home alone with LBM.  Apparently LBM was completely lost without his brother!  He was very clingy and refused to play.  He hardly made any sounds or noises and just held on to dad for dear life. When we arrived home, all of a sudden, he was making lots of noises and when we went into the playroom, he began to play and talk and bully his brother!  They weren't actually playing together perse, but they were playing alongside one another.  I guess subconsciously LBM knew that something was missing and strange and he didn't like it!  Cool, huh?  I love twins!

We Have Two Little Steppers!

LM did his little steppers too today!  Although he only started crawling a month ago, I think he is going to be walking alongside is brother at nearly the same time!  He spent 3+ months just watching LBM crawl and could have cared less the whole time, and now he thinks this standing and stepping thing is hysterical!

I love watching this progress.  It's so fun.  Very exciting!!!

1 step, 2 step...

Last night, LBM took 3 teeny weeny leaning steps from me to my mom.  He was smiling the whole time!  Whatta guy!  I'm happy that he's getting used to the feeling of lifting his feet up off of the ground and knowing that he can keep going with his other foot once he takes a step.  It's so cute.  But he only does it when he feels like it!

LM, on the other hand, loves to lean right into me and thinks it's all a big game!  He's racing around the room, holding on to anything to get him around and his crawling is getting SO fast!

They both have colds right now, which is a bit discouraging, only because they just got over being massively sick a month ago.  Man, it doesn't end, huh?

Cleanign snot is going to rule my life again for the next couple of days!

12 month shots - TRAUMA.

So, having two birthday parties within one week (Sunday and Saturday) was fun, busy, exciting, and exhausting.  A little bit stressful but it was fantastic too.  I think we did a great job of making the festivities light and fun and it was great for my friends and family to see part of the tradition that is "dol". 

For the main doljabi event, at the first party, LBM went straight for the golf ball (athlete!) and LM went for the money! It was very fun and the boyz were great!  When we sang happy birthday and gave them the cake, LM dove straight in for the cake and destroyed it!  It was hysterical!  LBM wouldn't even TOUCH his cake - he was disgusted by it... that is, until LM's antics resulted in a piece of chocolate cake being tossed onto LBM's hanbok.  He proceeded to pick up the piece and put it in his mouth... and then inch his way over to LM... "I want cake!!!"  Too funny.

At the second, LBM went for the golf ball AGAIN!  So excited about that!  LM went straight for the pencil!  He'll be a wealthy scholar, I just know it!  Again, really cute and very entertaining.  I will try to post pics of them in their garb.

So, they celebrated their official birthday 3 days ago.  I honestly felt like it should have been my birthday.  I felt like man, I was the one who pushed these two out of me, whose body pushed two beings out, who was so connected to them for 34w6d.... ah well, it's their birthday I guess.  But a celebratory day for me.  It was my first day as a mother.

Today however, was not my proudest day as a mom...

I don't even want to write about it because I don't want to re-enact the scene in my mind/head/body again.  It was awful. 

Basically, LM fell off the examining table and hit his head (forehead) and nose on the ground.  He has a big lump on the right side of his forehead but the bruising kind of spreads across and he had a bleeding nose.  Under his nose there seems to be a bruise forming. 

He is fine right now, but he will be sleeping with us tonight and tomorrow and I will be waking him up twice in the middle of the night to make sure he's okay.  Any sign of distress and we go straight to emerg.

He was immediately picked up and transitioned very quickly from crying to smiling and laughing with me and the doctor.  It was hard for me to smile but a relief to see him react that way. 

But still.  I have never felt so awful.  My mom and I couldn't even talk about it and I kept having flashbacks to the scene in my head, which would immediately make me want to cry and puke at the same time.  Writing this is making me feel all sweaty and terrible again.  Maybe someday I'll be able to talk about it a little more but right now, no way.

I didn't cry.  I wanted to but I was frozen and I couldn't move.  I was sweating like crazy and then later, when I knew he was okay, I was shaking all over. I can't write anymore, my eyes are getting teary.

What an awful way to end a post...

Dol Janchi

In a matter of weeks, the boyz will be turning ONE!

Because it's the holiday season, we have had to book their party about 10 days in advance.  Oh well!  AND we are having TWO parties for them!  One for the family and the other for friends.  One at a restaurant, the other at home.

I have ordered the boyz Korean traditional outfits (hanbok) and they are gorgeous.  At least I think they are!  LBM tried it on and I must say, I was pretty proud...  he looked so... official!

I am in the process of figuring out how I will decorate (I've actually figured that out - I have printed out pictures depicting each month of their lives in the past year.  One string for LM, another for LBM, and still another with pics of the both of them.  I found the idea somewhere online, I think on Pinterest.  I think it's a brilliant thing... I should take a picture of it, it's so amazing.  I was able to play with husband's new computer and play with some of the pictures I've printed, which I'll post - it was fun!

So, at the first party, we will be having at a Korean restaurant, buffet style.  The boyz will wear their hanboks and they will do a 'dol-jabi,' which will be to predict their futures.  There will be an array of items on a mat or tray and the boyz will be let loose, given the freedom to choose their destinies!  Each object/item has a meaning attached to it; for example, thread means long life, pencil means scholar, money means wealth, etc, etc.  I haven't collected the objects yet, but I will have to have doubles of each!

I plan to do the same thing for our friends on the following Saturday when we have our second party.  This will be a nice way to introduce some of our culture to our friends.  I also plan on having dduk for our guests, which is a Korean rice cake, that is eaten as a dessert.  It's also one of my favourite foods.  On the menu for lunch?  Oh, just Portuguese food.... hahahaha!!!  I've heard that Portuguese pulled pork sandwiches are to die for!

The main thing stressing me out though, is the loot bags.  What the hell do I buy for loot bags?  I don't even want to do them but I know I have to... the kids range in age from 8 months to like, 10 years old!  AHHHHHH!!!

I also started running again -- finally! And I have been enjoying it.  I committed to running in a 3man relay (10k each) in March.  I was able to run 5k last Sunday but have not had a chance to run at all this week yet.  And I'm not sure if I'll be able to run on Sunday -- we just have too many things to get done before the birthday parties.  We're really crazy overwhelmed.  Anyway, I think after not running for over 18 months and getting back into it is a slow process but I'm excited and motivated (somewhat!).

I feel like maybe I should join a running club so that I can get my a$$ out the door, especially when it's freezing out -- it's just gonna get colder!!!

Boyz in their usual spots at the window.  Yes, they are wearing the same outfit.  They are fraternal and I feel like I was cheated! They were supposed to be identical and I was adamant that I would never dress them alike... but since they're not... well, I can do whatever I want.  I'm mama!

Hallowe'en!

From our photo shoot a month after they were born, and a week after leaving the hospital.

Me and one of the babies.

Hmph... the WHOLE family is sick... Hmph!

Looks like we're all sick.

I can't breathe out of my nose and I'm exhausted.  But it was one of those days where you go go go because you have no no no choice. 

Boyz seem better, on the mend, yessss!!!  AND... LM crawled yesterday!!!  He can crawl!  He can crawl!  I was so excited!  Now I have two crawlers.  One who's just starting and another who's practicing letting go of the couch as he cruises.  I love it. 

When LBM lets go of the couch he's so desperately clinging to, he throws his hands in the air as if to balance himself and then stands there, kind of contemplative-ly.  Then slowly lowers himself, squatting down to his bum.  It. Is. Adorable.  He is.  That's no exaggeration.

I'm going to post their Hallowe'en picture because I think it's so damn cute.  And because I want to smile before I pass out in bed.

Tomorrow they turn 11 months old!! (9 months and 4 weeks adjusted) 

Sick - not me.

Two sick boyz at the same time.  Hmmm....

As I posted on FB yesterday, BOO!!!  Someone commented that at least they're both sick at the same time instead of one right after the other.  At first I thought, yeah, that's true... and then I thought, yeah, but this sucksssss!!!

LM staring at me with glazed eyes, runny, drippy nose and a cough as I hold LBM in my arms because he too, has glazed eyes, extremely runny nose and a sneezy cough is horrible.  LM looks so forlorn and it's so hard for him to entertain himself when he's this uncomfortable.  The moment I put down LBM to hold LM, crying begins.  Oh, that feeling of being torn.  Wow.

I still have not written a post to recap the past couple of months.  I will.  So much has happened and is still happening. 

Oh, I went for my first run in 18 months on Sunday and followed it up with another run on Tuesday.  Not bad!

I'm BAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK!

If only for a moment before I put the boyz to sleep.

I will try to recap the last 2 months in my next post.

All I can say is that we're doing great, the boyz are beautiful and growing and that in 6 weeks... they will be ONE!!!

I cannot believe how quickly time has passed.

My heart is full!

Busted, Beat-down, Bam!

First true sickness was Wednesday.  Like, I mean, where I was down for the count, only getting up to nurse.  If I could've, I would have stayed in bed all day and just lay there.  I had the chills, the sweats, dizzy spells, and my legs had absolutely no strength in them.  My head just ached.

And I couldn't enjoy the boyz.  So husband did.  By some sort of miracle, we had planned for him to take the day off on Wednesday so we could spend time together as a family but I ruined it all by getting ill.  It was obviously a blessing in disguise because without him, I am not too sure what our fam/jam would have done.

I was out of it!  Completely out.

Two days later and I'm feeling alive again.  No headache but still hurts to swallow and legs are still a bit weak, with hints of dizziness now and again. 

Husband and mother think it's cuz I'm not eating right but I happen to think I'm all right.  Mother also believes I've lost too much weight but in all honesty, I haven't.  I have a BMI of 23.99, which is in the high range of normal (highest being 24.9!) and I was tres overweight when I got pregnant.  Truthfully, I am down about 25lbs from pre-pregnancy weight, which is good because THAT'S how overweight I was.  This should be normal for me, and on the higher end of normal.  Very nervous as to what's going to happen when I stop nursing and start exercising.  I'm scared that all the weight is going to climb back on. 

But I digress.

An update about the boyz:

1.  Sleep is a funny thing.  LBM doesn't enjoy alone time at night.  It's been a challenge.  LM does not like to fall asleep but is okay for the rest of the night.

2.  Solids are good for LM but not-so-much for LBM.  He likes to throw his head back in defiance -- if I don't understand the first time he whiplashes himself, he makes sure I do by repeatedly whiplashing himself until I focus on his brother.  Nice.

3.  Naps are ridonculous! They're so different between the two boys.  LM loves to nap, LBM could care less.  Hal-muh-nee and Dad can rock LBM to sleep like no other. They are great.  Me however, I'm useless.  Utterly.  He won't settle with me.  I don't get it.  Could it be the breast shells that I am still using?  It's kinda hard to snuggle and cuddle against your mother's breast when they're as hard as nails... wha?????

4.  I'm obsessed with sleep.

The end.